*Keeping your glass filled and spirits high one Thursday at a time! We introduce The Squeaky Curd readers to Welcome to Thursdays, a local social group determined to make your Thursdays more fun. Each Wednesday we feature a fictitious history or dazzling explanation of a Milwaukee County bar that we gather at on Thursday evening – join us weekly!*
Greetings and Salutations my Good Thursdians,
The snow has fallen and a certain hush has taken over the streets of Milwaukee as we dive head first into the holidays and the icy cold of winter. I feel that now is as good of time as ever to tell you one of Milwaukee’s best kept secrets. A secret so powerful that just mentioning it puts me in grave danger. But as the keeper of history of Old Milwaukee, I must see this through. This Thursday we travel to The Squirrel Cage, (2402 N. Dousman St.) which is no ordinary bar: it holds one of the biggest secrets in all of Milwaukee.
To start this tale, we need to travel back to the year 1897. Milwaukee’s beer and tavern scene was booming, and all was right until one fateful day that changed everything. In today’s world, squirrels are simple land mammals that mind their own business and have no significance in our lives, except for amusement and making nests in our trees. This was not the case in 1897. You see there was one squirrel who believed that he was meant to play a bigger role in the world. He believed that squirrels were meant to be gods worshiped by the humans. His name was Stuart the Zealot Squirrel, and in 1897 he made his move. With hundreds of thousands of squirrels at his disposal, 1897 was to become the year of the squirrel.
The armies of Stuart the Zealot Squirrel.
Stuart’s plan was simple: take out food and drink, humans’ most cherished resources. He started with the food. Every manufacturing line of the major food suppliers was bombarded with squirrels, who would jump on the humans and scurry away with the food. Next went the water supply, which the squirrels would spoil by any means necessary. With each act of destruction, a message was left behind stating “JOIN OR FALL”. Humans became beyond concerned as their food and water supplies dwindled.
Things were looking pretty dark until, one faithful day that brought back balance to Milwaukee’s daily living. On December 15, 1897, Stuart planned to overtake a beer truck, as he knew beer was leaps and bounds more important than water in Milwaukee. Little did he know that this specific truck was carrying that ever-so-mesmerizing elixir we call Old Milwaukee. Using their nasty hissing powers to scare the humans, the squirrels quickly snatched the truck; Stuart celebrated by drinking from one of the barrels. Without any warning, he was struck with bursts of flavor and pure enlightenment. He fell into a drunken trance and his fellow squirrel followers became confused and lost without their fearless leader. Without hesitation, the people of Milwaukee nabbed Stuart and locked him away. They kept him in a cage with a constant supply of Old Milwaukee until his final days. Today, that holding area is known as The Squirrel Cage.
Not even squirrels can resist the taste of Old Milwaukee
Cheers my Friends!
Your Co-Founder and Friend,
Jeremy Blandin
Some classical squirrel art.
Join us Thursday, December 15, 2016 at The Squirrel Cage, located at 2402 N. Dousman St. (Riverwest) at 7:30pm, to celebrate the ever-so-secretive story of Stuart’s demise. (Don’t tell PETA)