Our beloved Milwaukee Bucks are back in the playoffs for the fourth time in 4 years. What’s more: we’re the number 1 seed in the East, a conference now winnable since King James decided to take his talents to a losing West squad.
Our admittedly fair-weather fan base will be watching more Bucks basketball this week than perhaps the rest of the season combined. And that’s a good thing; I’m not one to judge. Any new viewership is good viewership.
Most people know, thanks to the booming voice over the loudspeaker, that Giannis Antetokounmpo is often referred to as “The Greek Freak”. I love NBA nicknames, but I hate this one: as unreal as Giannis is (and he is), it’s not very clever nor flattering. Plus, I feel bad for the supporting Bucks cast that hasn’t even been given an unflattering nickname by the press.
We here at The Squeaky Curd are equal-opportunity nicknamers, so we gave new ones to each player on this 2019 Bucks playoff roster:
Giannis Antetokounmpo
Featured image by Joe Powell for The Squeaky Curd. All other photos from the Bucks.
Current Nickname: The Greek Freak
New Nickname: The Big Feta
Yeah, he’s Greek, but now he’s in the land of cheese. “The Big Feta” sounds like “the big fella”, which he is, and is similar to “the big cheese”, which he also is.
Khris Middleton
Current: Kha$h Money (or Sleepy, if you’re Greg Monroe)
New: (unchanged)
I actually like Khris “Money” Middleton. He’s our clutch 3-point shooter, and made his first All-Star appearance of his career this year. They just need to play the Mario coin sound every time he makes a 3.
Malcolm Brogdon
Current: The President
New: Mal Bro
Once I found out just how much he looks and sounds like President Obama, plus witnessed the type of leader he was as a rookie, I decided”The President” ain’t bad. But we’re missing the obvious “Mal Bro”, which is already part of his name plus has the added benefit of mocking current President Trump’s “bad hombre” comments.
Eric Bledsoe
Current: The Bled Show
New: (unchanged)
When Bledsoe came to the Bucks last season, it was after an unfortunate “misunderstood” Tweet. Bledsoe is a whirlwind on and off the court, but no matter what, it’s exciting to watch The Bled Show. And after a big extension inked this year, we’ll get front seats to The Show for a while.
Sterling Brown
Current: Downtown
New:
This rookie got the Sterling “Downtown” Brown moniker from the Bucks Twitter during summer league a couple years ago,
Tony Snell
Current: Snellycat (Chicago Bulls)
New: The Silent Assassin
The “Silent Assassin” nickname supposedly first came from Tony’s mother (which is awesome); it still fits, as it seems like Snell often slinks off the bench only to wind up randomly fouling somebody.
D.J. Wilson
Current: Lanky Smoove
New: WILLLSONNNNN
Love the college nickname, Lanky Smoove, but D.J.’s gotta get himself an easily shoutable NBA name if he plans on being a superstar someday. The crowd can get behind the Tom Hanks scream.
Brook Lopez
Current: Splash Mountain
New: Brolo
As this giant, giant man shows every time he tosses up a long-range 3 when it doesn’t look like he should have any right doing so, YOLO Brolo.
Pat Connaughton
Current: Planet Pat, or Patty Fastball
New: Pitter Patter
Connaughton has proven a spark-plug off the bench, with his most unique skill being an insane ability to frequently tip-block shots from behind. Every shooter needs to be aware of his Pitter Patter coming up behind them.
Donte DiVincenzo
Current: The Big Ragu, or “White Donte”
New: Inferno
Tell me it wouldn’t be cool to announce Donte “Inferno” DiVincenzo over the loud speaker as fire shoots into the air. The red hair, the Italian heritage: it all fits. A little morbid if you get into the details, sure, but also very intimidating.
Ersan Ilyasova
Current: Turkish Thunder
New: The Mequon Mountain
Through trades and international play, this Turkish transplant has kept his family living in a suburban Mequon mansion. He’s tall, and his house kind of looks like a mountain.
George Hill
Current: Indiana George, or Aggressive George Hill
New: Hoosier
Too easy; this Indianapolis native and IUPUI graduate also played five season for the Indiana Pacers. It’s not an insult if he’s on our team.
Tim Frazier
Current: (none?)
New: Turtle
…The Bucks didn’t take the most flattering photo of journeyman-Tim.
Nikola Mirotic
New: (unchanged)
The Nikola “Threekola” moniker popped up his rookie season, and there’s no reason it should be changed. While not the most prolific shooter on a Bucks squad full of them, he’s certainly still letting them fly.
Pau Gasol
New: Viejo
Translated from his native Spanish, us Americans might think we’re insulting the seasoned Pau Gasol by calling him “old man”. But we brought him on-board for his guidance and experience going deep into the playoffs: it should be a term of endearment.
Bonzie Colson
New: Captain
He’s staring right at me with that Captain Morgan mustache and goatee and smirk and now all I want is a rum and coke.
Coach Mike Budenholzer
Current: Coach Bud
New: “Leave-The-Holster” Budenholzer
So what if it’s a mouthful, Coach Mike “Leave-The-Holster” Budenholzer has given the go-ahead to every single Bucks player to shoot from anywhere on the court, and it’s paying dividends.
Assistant Coach Darvin Ham
Current: Dunkin’ Darvin, or Ham Slamwich
New: (unchanged)
Gosh, “Ham Slamwich” is a perfect nickname.
Assistant Coach Taylor Jenkins
Current: Unknown
New: Leroy
Assistant Coach Charles Lee
Current: Chuckles
New: wait, really?
Please, Wikipedia, don’t be lying to us.
Assistant Coach Ben Sullivan
Current: Unknown
New: Shooter
He’s been the shooting coach on multiple teams, and now he’s put the bug in the ear of every Buck.
Assistant Coach Patrick St. Andrews
Current: Unknown
New: The Kid
How has this Millennial risen through the NBA coaching ranks so quick?
Assistant Coach Joshua Longstaff
Current: Unknown
New: Shortstuff
I don’t know his actual height, but I’m also running out of nickname ideas.
Assistant Coach Vin Baker
Current: A-Train(?)
New: Yeast
An homage to his surname, and to the way he has personally risen from some deep depths after his career as well as how he’s helped the Bucks rise to new heights.
Trainer Scott Faust
Current: Unknown
New: Doc
Self-explanatory, plus kick-ass.
Make sure you catch our hometown Bucks playing the Detroit Pistons tonight, in what we hope will be the last game of the first round of the playoffs. Bonus points if you call them by one of our new nicknames.