Sexy Milwaukee-Themed Halloween Costumes Vol. 2

*Updated to include 3 new costumes for 2016. Check out last year’s picks right here.*

This weekend Milwaukee celebrates All Hollows Eve – one of my favorite holidays. Halloween is the epitome of an American holiday: a night where you’re encouraged to spend money and time pretending to be someone you’re not, while gorging on sugar. There is no better example of this than the “sexy” costume. It seems like everyone takes this drunken night as an opportunity to let their hair down. If there can be a Sexy Sushi costume then anything can be sexy.

In our opinion, there’s nothing sexier than Milwaukee. Here’s how to dress like a true Milwaukeean while still picking up that Hanging Chad by the punch bowl.

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Sexy Crumbling Mitchell Park Domes

This past year there was a small hoopla over falling debris from the ceilings of the aging Mitchell Park Domes and the multi-million dollar fix. You too can look like a million sexy bucks with this simple but rockin’ (guffaw, guffaw) costume.

Required Costume Pieces

• Hawaiian shirt
• Clear bubble umbrella
• Panko bread crumbs

For maximum effect, throw bread crumbs when people ask what you are.

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Sexy Questionable-Age Thon Maker

The Bucks got their 2016-17 season started last night with our new first-round draft pick: 7 ft 1 in, Sudanese-born, Thon Maker. The 19-year-old raised some eyebrows during the draft when reports surfaced about him being much older than reported. Regardless of his number of years on this planet, we can all agree each has been sexy.

Required Costume Pieces

• Stilts
• Bucks shirt
• Comically-small basketball
• A birthday hat with a question mark

*Please note that this is a joke. No one at The Squeaky Curd believes Mr. Maker is any age but what he says he is, though we do believe he’ll make a positive impact on the Bucks this and coming seasons.

*Also worth noting, DO NOT GO TO A PARTY IN BLACKFACE YOU STUPID WHITE KIDS.

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Sexy Northwestern Mutual Skyscraper

As they finish putting the final glass plates on the tippy-top of the new Northwestern Mutual building in downtown Milwaukee, residents have come to the realization that this is now the sexiest building in the city (dethroning the aforementioned  Total Recall-esque triple-boob Domes).

Required Costume Pieces

• Glass window panes (hung around neck like Flava Flav)
• Toy cranes
• Smug indifference to the plight of people who trusted you

Finish off the costume by knocking everyone’s drinks out of their hands at the party, telling them they “should’ve gotten that insurance”, and then refusing to get them a new drink.

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As for us? To poo-poo on the loser Cubs and their bandwagon city (please, God, someday turn Milwaukee into a Brewers World Series berth bandwagon city), we may revive the crowd-favorite Mrs. O’Leary’s cow knocking over the lantern to start the Great Chicago Fire.