The Madison-based American Family Insurance (try to say that aloud without singing the jingle) is executing their slow-burn plan to rename every part of Milwaukee after themselves.
First it was the Marcus Amphitheater, Wisconsin’s largest music-only venue and the “main stage” at Summerfest. As much as we love our hometown movie family, most folks were okay with the $50 million renovation plans and new name. After all, Marcus still has their movie palaces and performing arts center.
But this week the Milwaukee Brewers announced that in 2021 they’ll be renaming their home, dropping the iconic (and extremely-fitting) Miller Park designation. We don’t know quite what the new American Family-centric name will be yet, but odds are on AmFam Field. This went over with less enthusiasm.
What do we think? Well, as our resident Senior Writer for The Sunday Cycle, Rob Petrie, so eloquently put it on his Twitter feed:
If Mark Attanasio can make more money on new naming rights, and in turn spends that money on signing better players (a BIG if), then he can call it Fart Field for all I care.
— Bob (@RPetrie10) January 22, 2019
Regardless, it is a little disconcerting that a) insurance companies have this much damn extra cash lying around rather than being paid out to needy clients and b) no Milwaukee icon seems safe from these moniker marauders. Based on our uncompensated research and D-class MS Paint skills, here are the next Brew City landmarks that will inevitably be renamed next:
American Family Insur-Art Museum
It’s about time the priceless art at the Milwaukee Art Museum got both a new protection package and new naming rights.
The Bronze-Package Fonz
Make sure your insurance package has got you as covered by protection as the Fonz is covered in Bronze. Aaaaaayyy(mFam).
AmFam Trip Coverage Terminal
Every time you go in or out of Milwaukee’s former Mitchell International Airport, you’ll be reminded of the dangers of traveling.
All Your Protection Under One Bridge
Socialist Mayor Daniel Hoan would’ve gladly moved his name off the iconic golden arched bridge for a company and industry benefiting from America’s disturbing lack of social safety nets. Probably.
Potawatomi Hotel and Insurance
Nothing says “protection for you and your loved one’s futures” like gambling your savings away.
The Domes-and-Auto
The crumbling Mitchell Park Domes could’ve probably used a comprehensive, multi-policy insurance plan anyway.
Just remember that when AmFam takes their next MKE icon, you heard it here first, as we at the Curd are known for our #breakingnews.